The Master Diary Notes! by Severus Snape
by She-Who-Is-Not-To-Be-Psycho
Summary: Because everybody has the right to have at least one very silly fanfic. One of my most praised works. A look at Severus Snape's private journal, except with a wicked, and I mean twisted, twist.
1. Default Chapter

Notes From A Horny Potions Master: Severus Snape.  
  
  
  
  
  
Hogwarts School of  
  
Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
A New Year starts. (Another awful year like all the rest, might I add)  
  
This year I didn't have the DADA position again. Blast Dumbledore. Of course Quirrell had it. That freking, Troll-Loving bastard... Trollphile - hehe... But Quirrel's strange sexual taste is something I'd rather not discuss.   
  
Of course I knew he was still at Voldermort side. St- stu- stupid freak! And he wanted to share the... responsability - ha! Like I would like to have the ugly *slythering* thing sticked up my arse.. Because, how did you think Voldie entered his 'shared-body'? Ught... Not happening...  
  
This year James Potter's son entered; the Fuc--** Boy Who 'Lived' - 'lived' for me to torture!  
  
Well, he is surely not going to live this year! Bwajajajaa!!!-- Oh, shit! I forgot that I MUST make him survive (damned SnapCards-Game Debt! Well, it was either *that* or my virginity - to James-bloddy-Potter -, can you blame?)... Ow! Spoil sport...  
  
  
  
I don't have greasy hair! It's Elvis jelly style! How can't students make the differences?!  
  
Ronald Weasley is getting on my nerves. Specially because of his flaming red hair which makes me blind! I can't see my students!! I stare blankly at everyone and have to act like I'm not annoyed at everything! Of course, I make a very good job. **BUT!** Just what I needed: another damned annoying Weasley! Damned Weasleys and their reproductive... 'system'...  
  
Very nice work, Mister Malfoy. No, not Lucius... I wish *sigh*. His son, Draco, is my student *too*. So many memories... he's just like his father.... He has the same nice hands, and ass.... Not that I fancy my students' ass, mind you.  
  
Yes, I know I 'pet' (hehe) my students and torture the others, specially Gryffindors. I mean, the gigling Parkinson was unbearable, but the know-it-alls makes me nervous (every thime I meet one I feel urged to trow them a paper glass with a muggle drink called coke, I don't know why). But it's just that these hypocrite little McGonnamad's puppets feel like 'oh, so popular' 'oh, so *bloody* loved by everyone' 'oh, so brave like brave lions!'... makes me sick... you can bloody well lick my *serpent*, bloody lion!!  
  
Oh, and Potter is pissing me off. The spoiled brat keeps showing off his scar like it's such a big deal! And the worst thing is that that very same first day my vibrator broke down. It's a tragedy! It has two crooked edges, like a bolt of light! The boy's *bloody* scar makes me remember about my broken vibrator!! -- Every time I look at him! I see the ghost of my broken vibrator!!  
  
I miss my vibrator...  
  
  
  
Dumbledore invited me to play with his sock-made puppets. Ha, then he's upset 'cause he have not enough socks for winter (Always complaining that he never gets enough (well, that's an understandment...) socks! on +mas) and barely gets out 'cause he says his *most delicate part of his body* may freez... I wonder which is the use he has for his socks, actually... Or what's wrong with his -  
  
I am not buying the man new socks this year! That's final!  
  
Dumbledore is a Mad-man.  
  
  
  
Quidditch, stupid little excuse for a sport. Potter is the star again; Gryffindor new seeker. I disapproved, like the responsible and caring teacher that I am, that so young student was allowed to fly. But no one listen to old, good Snape. He boy rides pretty good his broom. I agree he is a natural... hehe... hehehee... HAHAHAHAHAHAA!! No, really, he mounts pretty good... hehe... like the broom was an extension of his body--- AAAHHH!! SOMEBODY STOP ME!!!!  
  
I also protested about the Quidditch uniforms. Too tight pant; ARE WE TRYING TO KILL OUR STUDENT FROM ASPHYXIATION?? And they look like porn stars from a play-witch magazine... Oh, yeah, and the girls looks pretty sluts too.  
  
It was hilarious, Potter hanging from that flying stick... hanging from a stick.. mhn... *shudder* away, away bloody thoughts... *bloody* Quidditch tight pants... I really shouldn't have been staring to a 11-year-old brat, I know!! --- mmh... not that I cared about staring a little longer, if only that Quirrel bastard... Well, the thing was that Quirrel started to hum this bloody song 'I have a lovely bunch of coconuts' or something like that and it started to get on my nerves. Bloody freak. So I started to sing another song louder, so that I couldn't hear him any more (the name was something like 'Forbiden Love' and was something like 'I feel pretty. Oh, so pretty. I feel preety and witty, and -', well, you get the idea). And he got higher, me too, and next we both were singing at the top of our lungs. I was about to start dancing - if it wasn't for the fact of being setted fire... Oh, yeah, bab! I'M ON FIRE! (well, in the end, I did dance a little...)  
  
A troll. When Quirrel squeezed in that high, annoying voice that a full-grown troll was in the school the first thing I thought was 'Too up this ass'. (I admit Voldie was a very pleasing master: the most lawful his follower were... well, we looked like a 'screwing-ourselves-up- the-best-we-can' cult.) It turned out to be true. So I figured out it was the troll's work that cause that unnerving high-pitched sound. Poor little bastard... not that I care, really.  
  
Oh, yeah, Potter took on(!) the moutain troll. He and the Weasley boy said they were there to help Granger big-head out of a mess she let herself into. Ha! Please, can't anyone notice the *improbability* of that?! It's much more likely that they thought of the alert-state as a good moment for a threesome-- Now, I understand why all liked believing Granger's story. Ught... some are some perverts, this generation...  
  
  
  
More Quidditch. I offered myself to be the refferi in Gryffindor vs Slytherin match.. hehe. Good thing I'd not have to hear Quirrel sickening singing! At least I had a very *nice* view. But, of course, nothing is perfect... after the Potter boy had the brilliant idea of nearly knocking me off MY broomstick (hehe) I really have a HARD time in my HARD broomstick-- no, really! I squeeze little Snape and now I'm in such a PAIN! Not to mension that being HARD doesn't help...   
  
Blast the kid, he shouldn't be THAT hot.  
  
Quirrel keeps stalking me. So I shoved him to some bushes in the forest and made myself clear: ONE MORE WORD AND I´LL GET THAT SLITHERING THING OUT YOUR BUTT BY CIURGERY WITH MY BARE HANDS!!... imagine the answer...  
  
'Don't you dare touch my GERBIL, Severus!'  
  
---------------------------------------------- Ught...  
  
  
  
Even in my depest, wildest, more imposible dreams I'd Never *ever* THINK about *THAT*... That mirror of Erisen must be working faulty. Only a malfunction can explain such prophanity; the cause of the images that are tormenting and corrupting my (not anymore)sane and innocent mind right now. Really, the impobability of that! The sick, sick, sicksicksicksick sickening SICK improbability of THAT!  
  
I'D NEVER BE IN A TREESOME WITH HAGRID AND FLITWICH!! EVER!!!!!!  
  
And that's it! That thing cannot stay a minute longer! That mirror is OUT of my cuarters immidiately--- first thing on the morning... of course, Albus, you can get it on Sunday-- or Monday...  
  
  
  
Don't you feel sick about happy endings? And the shitty reality that a stupid STUDENT resolved my logic problem about poisining::: BLOODY KNOW-IT-ALL GRANGER!!! I SWEAR, if it wasn't for her looney ASS the Potter-wonder and the miracle-of-flaming-light would be poisoned by MY HANDS... And the beauty of it would be that IT WOULD BE THEIR FAULTS (for defianing GREAT SEVERUS SNAPE!)-- but NOOOO... *sniff, sniff* And to make matters worst... McGoonasluty *convinced*, somehow, Dumbledore about *changing colors*... so, yes, Griffindors Won.  
  
I'm so depressed. 


	2. Big Basilisk

  
  
Hogwarts School of  
  
Witchcraft and Wizardry.  
  
Just another year to torture and be tortured.  
  
Dumbledore is insane. He refuses to give me the DADA position, I think he's expecting me to beg (Yeah, everyone want to see Sevie on his knees, pleading mercy. Well, NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! Ha! Severus has his pride, dear headmaster!... shudder Well, yeah, I confess I nearly did, happy?) Insead, he gave it to some poof Lockhart. I mean, LOOK AT THE GUY! The idiotic bloke is like a blow doll, only more talkative! (Well, if you squeeze the blow doll harsh enough...)  
  
Blokeheart keeps hitting on me (and it's starting to Hurt) with his so-white teeth and so-charming smile. Ha! You think that's enough to seduce Professor Severus Snape, well, THINK AGAIN! (Well, later I realise I wasn't the only one he smiled at... unlawful bitch - not that I care... I'm not jealous!)  
  
And, yes, Albus Dumbledore is still a mad-man.  
  
Ha! Unbelievable! I find Potter and the burning-pain-in-the-eye coming late, in a flying car; I have the evidence, I have witnesses - But NO! Dumbledore & McGonnaget REFUSE to believe the overly-OBVIOUS fact that the two students were in no less than a romantic afair! Or -how it's said?- cuddling. Merlin' Underpants! How thick can a professor be to its students' pervness??  
  
Needless to say Hotty Potter and Red Weasley are free on their own and so to enjoy the pleasures of life, etc... They didn't say the same thing when they found me with Lucius-- ehem Damn favoricism!  
  
New students that bother me. First on the list: Creevey, Collins. Just hear the kid talk - and he has this hair - he's like a little ugly RAT! But the worst thing is his hobby: taking pictures! And, oh yes, he dared... First day on school and he tried to shoot me (ouch!); I had to tell him civilly 'DO NOT!'. I mean, I know what he's gonna do - Like I'd be that naïve... Everyone want a piece of dear Sevie, but, kids! You know that having me in pictures won't ever be like the unique and real! hehe...  
  
But, really. Someone -a someone called Collin Creevey, actually- is really desesperate... Just yesterday I got out of the thub and THERE HE WAS! With his camera, ready to shoot. The kid got were no one have ever gonne before: the world of Severus Snape's real nature! It must have shocked him 'cause he looked out of this world - probably in dream-land thinking of things I'd rather not image myself... glup... DAMNED COLLINS! Were Hogwarts School Rules to dissappear, I would love to just teach him where to shove his camera...  
  
I want a signed photo. Why don't I have a signed photo? Of course it would look bad on a teacher to ask a student to make one with 'With Love to Sevie' or 'Kisses to Sevie'... Blast Hogwarts Code of Conduct... Blast it that I can't use Love Potions!!!!  
  
Oh! Almost forgot to mension it, silly me. The little rat-kid happens to be facinated by Potter. Yeah, I know what you are thinking: like everybody else! well, everybody but me What's new? apart from the fact I DON'T fancy Potter? WRONG! Well, he made an art of stalking and a bussiness of taking bloody pictures (albeit Harry Oh,SoHotItHurts Potter's pictures-- not that I think he's hot...) and selling them to the best buyer. (Damned capitalist bastard!) Really, that boy scares me.   
  
What worries me the most is that if things keeps like this Potter's ego is going to blow up (hehe) so high in the sky-- I mean, the boy is already workshipped by too many, the least necessary thing to do is making him bloody inaccessible! He will now start ignoring m- ejem the teachers and his companions, and acting so oblivous to the world... DAMNED COLLINS!!   
  
Don't get me wrong, I don't like Potter (that's beyong understandment). What I mean is that I do not want-- er, yes... that precisely... I don't want him for myself (NO I DON'T!); I'm a very generous Potion professor, so I decided to stick for Mr. Malfoy side. To my view, he is the only one with an ass nice enough to deserve Potter's. Besides I don't feel that lonely, to wait for a 12-year-old boy! NO, I DON'T!  
  
Sevie is goody bloody cupid, yeah...   
  
And Potter (no, not my whole world revolve around Potter... but pretty much THE WHOLE WORLD REVOLVE AROUND POTTER!) is the worst student in all damned Hogwarts (excepting, maybe, dear Longbottom who is always loking at me strangely...)! I mean, can't he make an effort? Is like he didn't care about my subject (which, of course, wouldn't be this one if it wasn't for our dear, loved-by-all Headmaster!)...sniff... Really, the boy's a disgrase to all Potion Makers around the world! I'm only making him pass the subject, ONLY... ok, because he's hot. Too hot for his own good...  
  
Luckily enough, I'll be able to kill the bastard, sex-god by poisoning. (And you-re wondering how do I know he's a bastard?... figure it out yourselves!)  
  
NO MORE WEASLEYs!!! PLEASE!!! My eyes hurt. SHE IS BURNING MY EYES!!  
  
Socks-Man say that 'The' chamber is open... I think he might have missunderstood me when I asked for a promotion...  
  
Everyone is wondering what the Chamber Of Sex-screws' monster is... Hehe, it isn't that difficult to find out, you fools! Everyone knows about Slytherin, what he was so famous about, what was his trademark: his HUGE Snake! Hehe... Really, someones can be thick here...  
  
That's what make Slytherin a Slytherin: 'having big dreams', 'achive enormous ambitions'. You know what I mean by now, right? (Well, for all you who are too idiotic to understand...) We have each our own bloody Basilisk! Aha! Yep, the others three founders were jealous and wanted Slazadar Slytherin really bad - yeah, even Godric G. And we, Slytherins, happen to share his same abilities - albeit some more than others... (I know what you're thinking: how this rule apply to women? well, let me tell you that it doesn't help their boobs... Oh, you were wondering how do I know about my mate's size? Well, well, wouldn't you like to know...)   
  
Just today in the staff table were discussing who the heir of Slytherin was and I was bravely fighting the urge to scream: 'JUST LOOK FOR THE ONE WHO HAS THE BIGGEST--'. Well, you know... Coming to think about it I could be Slytherin Heir... hehe.  
  
Dwelling, you say? Bring it on! Here's my chance to show that Lockhart doll what a real man (not a 75% rubber, 20% hot air... 5% hotness) is made of!  
  
FUC-- BITC--! HE SAID NOTHING ABOUT THE WHOLE CLASS BEING THERE!! I THOUGHT IT WAS A NAUGHTY INVITATION TO WILD SEX IN THE GREAT HALL TABLES!! (Really: 2 guys in a private room, holding wands against each other, with back ups and everything -- IT SOUNDS LIKE A DAMNED ORGY TO ME! Don't you see it? You have no sense whatsoever of poetry and metaphorism...) Though he might like the public... ught! Sick! Even I wouldn't do that -- 12-years-olds for Merlin panties' Sake! I always knew there was something wrong with him... that necessity of having everybody watching him... ught! Next thing I'll know is him trying to convince me to hold the cam... mmh...  
  
But still: I'M VERY PISSED! I REFUSE TO LOOK AT THE MAN IN THE EYE AGAIN!  
  
The-real-poof wanted to really dwell? Fine to me! And I blasted the thing out of him (yes, I planned on pointing there, thank you very much). You have to see him fly! THAT was poetic.  
  
You would think that was enough to make him cry sorry or retreat as far away from me as possible? But nooooo... He dared! After the huge blow (hehe) he - he - HE STILL SMILED AT ME!! HE WAS HITTING AT ME RIGHT THEN AND THERE!... Like especting me to... forgive him! And in front of the whole mass of student! Ha! Like that was enough to earn my love, you idiot... OK... Maybe - I'll consider...  
  
Again, considerate as I am, I stick for Malfoy. Uh, yeah, that's was one hell of an entertainment! Tickling Charm (sexy!), Tarantallegra (don't we all want to see Potter dance?)... Expelliarmus? No match ¬¬ ... Honestly, and here I thought the first to thow the first -illegal- punch would be Mr Malfoy! Disappointing. Does this means Potter is interested too? Aw! How sweet  
  
But he's mine.  
  
No, he isn't.  
  
He is.  
  
Isn't!!  
  
... OK. The point is that I couldn't help it. To add to the puns I HAD to tell Malfoy to do it.   
  
Really, a big black snake; what does that reminds you off? wink wink  
  
Gasp Can he hear that hot when speaking another language?? Screw French! Parceltongue has to be the sexiest accent on earth!  
  
Potter? The Heair of Slytherin?? '' Oh my... I'm not too sure I'll stick for Malfoy any longer...  
  
OH GOD! NO NO NO NO - NO IN A MILLIOIN YEARS! One thing is that he invites me for a drink in his chambers (so lousy seducer...), but quite different is Me, getting his pants down the moment his back is turned, and discover THAT! PLEASE, no Spongebob slips! I can deem heart covered boxers, but not SPONGEBOB!  
  
And he was the one screaming?! Oh, spare me the humiliation...  
  
IT WASN'T FUNNY! YOU WOULDN'T BE LAUGHING IF YOU WERE THE ONE WITH A VALENTINE PINK PIXIE COWERING INSIDE YOUR PANTS!!   
  
(Well, but I'll give the ugly creature inside my pants that Elenoise Midget's nose is something even I'll consider cowing inside someone's pants -- yet, not Dumbledore's, mind you --, and... it does nice massagges... I wonder if pixies are sell in the wizarding market as pets...)  
  
Potter has a secret diary? Uh, how girly is that!  
  
Granger is no mo-re! Ganger is no mo-re! conga style! Her big bushy ha-ir! Will meddle no mo-re!   
  
EVERYBODY!  
  
What do you mean they are taking Hagrid away? He? The Heir of Slytherin??   
  
... naah...  
  
Well, only fair for a man who stalks a 12-year-old. Whoever is that desesperate as to ask little children to come visit his hut is sick enough... pathetic.  
  
Blind a poor snake... what sick bastard does that! Dumbledore's bird nonetheless. Oh yeah, his bird would blind whatever eyesight, and whoever has the misfortune to cross its path... uh, that didn't come out right.  
  
I fear to say, Dumbledore was right... Oh dear God, he was... That socks are heavenly. Oh, the lower regions of my body couldn't be more comfortable...  
  



	3. Shierking Snape

Notes From A Horny Potions Master: Severus Snape. 

Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

Other fu--- year

I keep being turned down in the DADA position and, finally, I decided to do something about it.

So, I cried.

Not the wiser thing to do. Oh, but do not think that I just broke down then and there at the first rejection; I went for the next, and the one after that, and the other after that. And, yes, I did something before collapsing... I begged. A very brave thing to do, I know. It was only when he told me to let go of his leg (it was very rude of him to kick me so much!) that I knew there was nothing else to do and I accepted that like a grown-up man that I am.

And let me tell you who he replaced me with: RE-chocolate-MUSS LUPITO! That's right! The Damned Werewolf that I found in the Shrieking Shack with BLACKy in 'all fours', ruining my childhood. (Urght... But that cannot hurt me any more, now that dear Sirius is in Azkabar. And, being 'sirius', he's 'siriusly' in 'sirius' troubles... hehe-- I'm so funny and original!) Anyway, Remy started stalking me like he used to do when I was so young, innocent and wild--- wait, no 'wild'; that just make me remember of--- Ught...

Why the nickname you ask?... don't ask - just don't - belive me.

Dumbledore is greatly mad. (Really, you should know about it by now!) But, more important, he is a sadist git. Why I always get to deal with Gryffindors -vs- Slitherins confrontations?? Why it's always Double Potions with Gryffies&Slythies?? He may believe that I enjoy it... OK! I ENJOY IT! HAPPY? But I'm NOT that MASOCHIST!... ... .. .

I had to brew another Potion for the wolfy so that it doesn't let him be lead by his 'animal instints' (Afraid he'll kill me? Don't. Be afraid he'll be on heat! That's what you and I must worry about...). And then I had to do the delivery. Damned, blasted, crazed Dumbledore. Not quite the best moment for doing so. The WereToBePoof was standing there, naked, in his fluffly fur magnificence like Satan brought him to the world. I mean, HE FLASHED POOR LITTLE ME! I'M BLIND! I'll NEVER have have a laid again!! (Puppies keep flashing in my head...)

Potter keeps moaning in pain because of the Dementors. Couldn't he be a little less loud! Ow, shit. I... I'm not gay-(!)- but I keep having problems with my... ejem wand... Dementors are the devil's work (and, no, I'm NOT the devil-- here). When I first hear it on the train I just would ignore it. But, yes, I catch a glimpance of what it said... It scared me to no end...

Let's just say that it involved Dumbledore, Minerva- leather, handcuffs and a whip... enough to scare my balls for life.

Longbottom is still looking at me like... He just does!

I didn't see it again- I didn't SEE IT AGAIN!! Oh, merciful Merlin's, please tell me that I didn't have another dream about that stupid Lopy-the-Loop with Blaky in this whole nature being(he's quite an animal-- who said something about Animagus?) in the same room as the Potter kid, Weasley and Grang-- wait a minute! That cannot be right! I can believe Weasley but... Oh, good! It wasn't a dream! I'm still a sane person!

. . . Did I just say that that scene with the naked Black, Lupin and the Gryffindor Threesome... was--- Real?

(Did I mention there was a rat? - - - I'll never watch the DisneyWorld Channel, I swear)


End file.
